Hips, Moves, Grace, Future

After my latest recorded stint in hospital, I went to Rachel and Michaels to recover.  I was exhausted and knew I could not look after myself.  Mentally, I was a mess, and physically, I was too tired and fragile to feel safe.  Living alone,  I was showering with my phone on the floor in case I passed out or collapsed, fully expecting to at any stage.

While I was in hospital, Dad, Brothers in law and friends very kindly moved everything out of my workshop up to York where they remain in storage.  I got to the decision a few weeks earlier that I could no longer work.  Every time I started to get back into work mode, I would come down sick again and not be able to follow through on teaching commitments or work orders.

Mentally, I was not coping at all well.  The severity of my situation was at the bottom of the pit and I have never felt the full force of wretchedness until this period, well really for the last 6 months or so.  Each morning was spent in a deep and destructive mental battle where everything I had messed up would come to mind and not let go of me until I physically moved myself from my bed or the house.  I had to do something to break the cycles.  It was a terrible time.

I was still in the process of moving into my apartment.  Shifting furniture, lugging heavy boxes around etc.  I got a call during this time from the Haematologist, Dr Cull, covering Dr Brad while he was away.  Dr Cull explained that he was very concerned about my MRI report indicating that there was a large tumor in my hip.  He asked me to come in the next day.  He told me not to put any undue pressure on my leg, and that I should not walk unless necessary.  I stopped lifting the heavy boxes and went back to Rachel’s.

Guennadi brought me into the hospital.  I was limping badly as I had been for some time.  I brought the MRI films in as requested and it became clear I was in skeletal trouble.  He suggested I may need a hip replacement, and soon.  It was 11:30 Wednesday morning.  He made a few calls while I waited in the waiting room.

When Dr Cull came out, he had organised for me to go directly to the top Orthopaedic specialist in Perth at 3 o’clock that afternoon.  Amazing in itself that he got me in that quick.  In the meantime, Guennadi and I went met up with another friend who was having chemo treatment at the hospital and was able to rest back at Crawford Lodge, saving having to drive around for a few hours.  In the meantime, Elizabeth left work and came to support me for the rest of the day.

Elizabeth and I went to the Professor Wood the Orthopaedic specialist at 3.  Within 15 minutes he made it clear that I needed a hip replacement sooner than possible.  He was not able to operate himself as he was going away, but he made a call to his next best, Mr Khan.  Mr Khan said on the phone that he had a big gap in surgery time the next day due to a cancellation so the option was there.  Not only that, he could see me that day for a pre-op chat.

Libs and I headed over, via the X-Ray and Pathology centres to have scans and bloods.  We met with Mr Khan at about 5:00 for a chat.  He also said there was great urgency for the hip replacement and that he could do it the next day.  I know at this point I was making decisions while in complete shock, but in the end, I was admitted that night to Hollywood Hospital, and booked in to surgery for the afternoon.

Elizabeth continued to be amazing, not at all surprisingly.  I could not have got through the day without her or Guennadi.  By the time I got to the hospital, I was still numb with shock, but had a peace that I was being looked after, by God and by everyone who surrounded me.  Not to say I wasn’t already grieving a loss of a major body part and possibly mobility for the rest of my life.  It was a difficult time.

As far as God stepping in, He did.  Reflecting back, the whole stint in hospital for my gall bladder was a complete and utter curveball.  It was completely out of the blue!  Not only that, they never really found out what caused it, but it kept me out of action for a week for no real reason at all.  It was really just a rest for me.  BUT, If I had of not been in hospital that week, I would have been packing up my workshop.  I would have been lifting heavy machinery, benches, tools, boxes and flinging my body into the most physically demanding activities to get the workshop packed up in the week.  Looking back, there is no way I would have got through it without breaking my hip.  It would have been definite hip-icide, and as the surgeons plainly said to me in the consults, if the hip breaks, I would be in a very, very difficult situation and one that would be incredibly hard to recover from.  God stepped in big time.  He has every detail sorted before I know it or need it, no doubt.

My time in hospital was an amazing experience for me.  The fact I got in so quickly was only thanks to a great God and incredible medical staff.  I certainly felt God’s plan taking place then.  In the day before I was called into Dr Cull’s, Guennadi’s wife was praying for me and God gave her Psalm 121 to give to me.  Within 12 hours, a family friend who has been battling cancer for 10 years sent through a text via my mum, also giving me Psalm 121.  Because of the rushed nature of the day, I still hadn’t had a chance to look it up, and then the hoo-haa with hospitals began.  The morning of my operation, Elizabeth and her Mum and Dad were visiting me, along with Carms, Rach & Michael.  Elizabeth’s Mum, Ann, asked if she could share a scripture with me, one that God had laid on her hear for me.  It was Psalm 121.  I couldn’t help but cry as she read it.

1 I lift up my eyes to the hills – where does my help come from?

2 My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.

3 He will not let your foot slip— he who watches over you will not slumber;

4 indeed, he who watches over Israel 
will neither slumber nor sleep.

5 The LORD watches over you— the LORD is your shade at your right hand;

6 the sun will not harm you by day, 
nor the moon by night.

7 The LORD will keep you from all harm— he will watch over your life;

8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going 
both now and forevermore.

I knew at this point a new level of trusting in God.  Not trusting him for a particular outcome in anything, but trusting Him in whatever happens.  The grace shown to me by Elizabeth and her family has taught me a great deal.  For them to be there and care as they have in spite of an incredibly difficult time over the last year has been amazing.  I am deeply moved and thankful for them.

My time in hospital continued to be amazing.  After my operation, I was laying in bed.  I rested well during the night, but would wake up often feeling completely comforted and in the presence of God.  Hard to explain, just believe me on this one.

I was only in the hospital for 5 days, putting full weight on my leg the day after surgery and walking without crutches on day 3.  I was completely amazed at the speed of recovery.  But I feel that everyone who cared for me during this time had the perfect personality for me at each point.  It was indeed an amazing time, and I didn’t want to leave.  I even stayed a day longer than what I needed.

When I came out of hospital, there was no way I could possibly care for myself, so Carms and John came to the rescue and took me in.  Carms is an Occupational Therapist so was able to get half the hospital’s supply of health care apparatus including bed-rail, commode chair, high-back chair, crutches, dressing stick, chair wedges etc., making my life a lot easier.  She also did scar management, maybe took my staples out and looked after me as she would a king.  The care and grace between all who have cared for me has been seamless.

After a family conference, we decided it was no longer viable for me to be on my own.  Both mentally and physically I have not been doing well.  I can’t explain how great it has been to be back with family and getting to spend time with my niece and nephew, Stella and Angus.  It has been better than medicine for me.  Spending more time with Elizabeth has also been so good for me.  She continues to amaze me with here gracious care, love and support even in our separation.  She has been God’s gift to me, no doubt.

Now, the future is still unclear.  Today I continued to pack up my apartment with the help of Mum and Dad.  Rachel helped me yesterday.  It still is an incredibly difficult process, one that brings all the issues to the forefront of my mind.  Am I packing to live, or am I packing to die?  What is the best option for this time considering my health, my prognosis, my day-to-day functioning?  I still have no answer.  Trusting in God, regardless of outcome, still doesn’t give me an outcome to work with.  Everything is at least day-to-day, sometimes hour-to-hour.  That is how I live now, that is my life.  Can be exciting for some, but I am still getting used to it.

All I know is that God has kept me alive for something.  It may be just to keep me alive, or there may be some purpose involved, I don’t know.  I am praying for more time, so that I can live in the grace I have learned in recent months, so I can live in the growing knowledge of God’s love for me in ways I have not known before.  I want to live completely different in how I have related to people.  I know I have changed, but what good is it if I do not have the time to life like I have?  And I still believe there is a lot of change to take place, I want time to see it come about.  I pray for God’s will in relationship.  I pray for my cancer to be completely healed.  This kind of living in deeply in the reality of imminent death sucks.  It is more difficult than the most difficult thing I could ever imagine before it became my reality and the reality for my family and friends.

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