This morning I tried to get out of bed. It was a struggle. I looked into the wardrobe mirror and stated, “I’m tired and sore.”
The tiredness and soreness didn’t leave me all day. I struggled to walk from a city car park to the workshop, whereas a couple of days ago I was walking from Robinson Ave. I am hoping that it is just a busy week catching up with me, and because I didn’t sleep well last night at all. I have taken drugs tonight so I am typing fast before they hit kick in.
I emailed Dr Brad this morning asking when I need to make an appointment for, and when the results will come through. Hopefully I will find out tomorrow, but what is there to look forward to really? I am expecting to go on a 3 month regime of chemo and then possibly another stem cell transplant.
My dualistic thinking is becoming more polarized in a way. I have got so many things I am excited about at the moment that I want to live for – healing relationships, working normally, making music, spending time with friends, creating stuff, feeling alive. At the very same time, I am having to contemplate another 6 months of ups and downs. I don’t know how down I am to expect either. I am contemplating and processing what it will be to have a vibrant healthy life while at the same time preparing for the worst. Both are very much in my face at the moment, I feel more than ever.
I expect God is going to heal me, and that is my hope. I hope also that he makes my hair grow back again, my scar tissue disappear and my muscles big again. Or just big.
