The golf-ball size is quickly turning into a softball size. I can’t shake the feeling that time is ticking away, and I haven’t had any treatment yet. It has been 3 months since this bump first appeared, and a month since it was tested positive for plasmacytoma. At the moment, radiotherapy is being planned to start next week hopefully.
The good news is that no other lesions have been found in the rest of my body, so that is good. I am still waiting to hear about my MRI report though. The CT and PET scans were fairly clean, except uptake was noted at past lesion sites or trauma sites.
I just don’t want this thing to spread. That would take it from being the best case scenario to the worst case scenario in a matter of one report. I want it gone, yesterday.
In all this, I am still feeling incredibly peaceful, that is the only way to describe it. I am not anxious and I have a deep sense that things are under control. I am trusting God, I am excited that He is able to heal and I feel still so well looked after by Him. The health thing is His domain, I am happy to have Him look after it.
I am praying mainly for a better understanding of God though. This is my main priority. I have learned that the most important thing for me at this time is how I see God – that reflects in everything I do. So the health thing has been couched in a growing understanding of God.
But boy it’s messy, still. I tend to be stuffing up a whole lot, even when I think I am making good progress, I feel like I am making mistake after mistake.
There are too many things going on at the moment. The saddest of these is coming to terms with the marriage breakdown between Elizabeth and myself. Elizabeth has not stopped being amazing, and an incredible friend. Gracious, courageous and beautiful, through and through.
I do know that God is not finished with me yet. If you are reading this, the same is true for you. I am learning that no matter how messy things can get – through choice or circumstance – no matter how different the situation may be to everyone else’s, it can still be part of a process that God uses to answer that prayer that we sometimes treat as a nice thing to put into a prayer – ”God, help us know you more”. If only we knew how frickin’ dangerous this prayer can be. I am going to stick to “God, thank you for this food, amen” from now on.
